SIMPROV by Laurence Klavan
A Play in One Act
CHARACTERS
marjorie, thirties, a desperate character seeking escape and engagement in a realm beyond real life
alan, thirties, a gentle soul with hidden strengths
actor, earnest and emotionally open
actress, a bit more guarded but secretly passionate
Marjorie storms the sound booth.
marjorie
Okay, that’s it! It’s (actual time)! Stop the music! I said, stop the music!
The music slowly stops.
marjorie
Where’s my cast? I want my actors on stage now! Hoo-hoo, you two in the wings, what are you waiting for, an invitation?
An Actress and Actor slowly enter.
marjorie
And where’s my set? – I want my set –
Stagehands start bringing it in. A simple kitchen is set up.
marjorie
Is that a kitchen? That doesn’t look like a kitchen. It looks like the table and chairs from a kindergarten class! All right, for God’s sake, it’s too late, just leave it, but don’t think I won’t mention it . . .
Marjorie sits down.
marjorie
That part didn’t count – I’m starting now, all right?
She starts putting on a headset.
marjorie
How do you work this thing? – I feel like an air traffic controller, or Madonna – it’s too tight around my ears, it’s flattening my hair. – That didn’t count, either. (uses it, to the actors) Sit down.
They do. Beat. Marjorie collects herself.
marjorie
Okay. I want to watch you both drink coffee.
They do it. Slowly, one passes the cream to the other. This goes on for awhile.
marjorie
That’s good. Now I want to watch you take a bite of Danish.
They do it. Again, it takes awhile.
marjorie
Now each of you read a newspaper and disregard the other.
They do it. Marjorie turns to us.
marjorie
I hope you’re all enjoying this as much as I am. And, if you’re not, I’m sorry, but I’ve paid for this time. (to actors) Now both of you –
Then a House Manager enters. He whispers in Marjorie’s ear.
marjorie
What? There must be some mistake.
He whispers again. She sighs.
marjorie
Well, then, here, use my MasterCard, for Chrissake, that should –
She goes into her bag.
marjorie
I can’t believe they screwed that up. This doesn’t count. (to actors) I’ll be right back. So, you know, at ease.
She exits with the House Manager. The actors relax. They shrug a little, embarrassed, to the audience.
actor
Some gig.
actress
We do what we have to do.
actor
This used to be only underground. And very expensive. Now it’s going to be available everywhere.
actress
It loses a little something in the process.
actor
I used to be watched making love.
actress
Really?
actor
This guy wanted me to wear a little thong.
actress
With a woman?
actor
One time. The other time, not. Variety.
actress
Well. Those were the days.
actor
Exactly. The last time I got watched, I was making coffee and throwing out the trash.
actress
Wow. Well, could you bring any –
actor
Anything interesting to it? No, not really. Well, a slight saucy shake of my hips as I put the bag in the can. Nobody noticed. It was sad.
actress
(teasing)
I’d notice.
Actor smiles a little.
actor
You would not.
Actress smiles, too. Then she turns away. He’s a little self-conscious of the audience now, but short of time, he pursues it, anyway.
actor
Was it you?
actress
What do you mean?
actor
Who I made love with? That time? When I was that other guy’s actor?
actress
Well, I – how would I – how would I remember? (to audience) We’re always emptied out and recycled again. We come back as someone else.
actor
But there’s always something – a scent – that stays with you.
actress
It’s true. They say you can’t lose everything about yourself. Something’s in the air around you, no matter who you have to become and what you have to do while people watch.
actor
So you don’t remember whether –
actress
Well, recently I was watched walking a dog. Then I picked up a prescription. As you say, it’s been – unchallenging work. I apparently tried to walk defiantly out of the drugstore with the little bag, but it was –
actor
Pearls before swine.
actress
If you want to put it that way. To me, anger isn’t a helpful emotion.
actor
I admire that. Look, how long do we have before she . . . (to audience) I’m sorry – excuse us.
He smells her. Then –
actor
I’m almost sure that it was you . . .
She moves away, evasively, fixing her hair.
actress
Well, before that, I was this other woman’s actor. I was in a hotel room – that was the setting she chose. It was an infidelity. And yet she wanted to watch me be – completely unresponsive. She didn’t want to see someone being excited. I felt sorry for her. But a gig’s a gig.
actor
Did she want the hotel to be – off the New Jersey Turnpike?
actress
I think so.
actor
And did you actually get – aroused, and –
actress
No, I felt what she told me to feel. Or told me not to. (beat; a confession) But I was only acting.
He looks at her, realizing what she means.
actor
It was you.
They are about to get closer, when – Marjorie comes back. She is yelling at someone offstage.
marjorie
No, this was not included in my time! I paid the four hundred and eighty dollars, and that entitles me to ten minutes! Well, take it up with TDF, okay?
A little flustered, she looks at the audience.
marjorie
Well, what are you staring at me for? I can’t be the only one who received this offer. Am I? Am I alone in . . . (sees something) Who the hell is . . .
Alan, thirties, is waving at her from the audience.
alan
Marjorie!
marjorie
What? Who is that? (beat) Alan?!
alan
Yes! I can’t believe I found you here! (advances) Excuse me . . . Pardon me . . . I’m sorry . . . First it was that computer game you couldn’t stop playing . . . watching people fight battles and win wars and cut off people’s heads. Then you started watching one where someone works. And by the end, you were just watching someone – sleep soundly. And now this. What is this?
marjorie
They call it Simprov. With actual people I create over and over again just to . . . well . . . (to actors) I’d like to watch you Swiffer the front hallway, then channel surf until you fall asleep, with the clicker in your hand.
The actors break apart.
actor
It gets worse and worse, doesn’t it?
actress
Well . . . maybe we can bring something of ourselves to it.
actor
(a small joke)
Ourselves.
Beat. Then they start Swiffering. Slowly, he moves closer to her, smells her hair. She smells him, as lights dim on them . . .
alan
Hey, I’m still over here!
marjorie
Look, Alan, I’ve only got a few minutes left, and – I have some very important things to watch.
alan
What’s it been, Marjorie, three days you’ve been gone?
marjorie
Shh. (points to stage) She’s getting the clicker out. This is the good part.
alan
How long are you going to stay away for?
marjorie
(points to audience)
Look, as you can see, we’re not exactly alone . . .
alan
(looks at audience)
I don’t care. All you left behind was an empty carton of sedatives. And, you know, all your credit cards are maxed out.
marjorie
Only four are, and that’s their mistake.
alan
I sensed you drifting away. Maybe we should have taken more vacations. Remember kayaking on the one Great Lake that’s left? How we couldn’t control it, and we went spinning around in circles, until we both began to cry? We can have that again.
marjorie
It’s not about that. Sometimes there are innovations, Alan, that . . . this is how it must have been when the electric light was invented, and everyone could actually see themselves. I’m sure some people committed suicide. Others were saved. Either way, no one could go back. And I can’t, either.
Alan doesn’t understand.
alan
Well – where will you go from here?
marjorie
I heard there was another club that offers Simprov on the Upper East Side. They might have an opening. It’s going to be very big. You should try it. Here – (offers him the mike) what would you like to see someone do?
alan
I’d like you to cry, kiss me, and then come home.
She looks at him.
marjorie
(chuckles)
I don’t even want to watch them do that.
Alan turns away, deeply upset. Marjorie looks at us, self-consciously. Then, to him –
marjorie
Remember when we bought that kind of bed you blow up? And we unplugged it and we got stoned and we sat on it, and it was like we were sinking slowly, returning to Earth’s atmosphere from outer space, and then finally it had no more air in it, and we thought it was hilariously funny that we were sitting flat on the floor?
alan
I do.
marjorie
Well, that’s what I want – to be like a slab of inflatable rubber that’s folded in fours and kept in a closet. Because inflatable beds have never done or felt anything, so they never have a problem or any pain. I tried to divert myself with the movies in my glasses and the TV that comes to life in our house, remember? But now I have this. You said I don’t have goals, Alan, you should be glad.
alan
That bed was in our old apartment. I’m surprised you remember.
marjorie
Remember what? See – I’m getting there.
alan
It’s true.
marjorie
Pretty soon, I’ll be completely emptied out – it’ll be as if I don’t exist at all. That gives me something to work toward. (notices stage) Hey, you – you there! Stop that!
As lights return, Actor and Actress are kissing, clicker in hand.
marjorie
I didn’t say to do that! (to Alan) There’s something wrong with this Simprov – these are faulty actors – (into mike) All right, I want him to leave now and for her to sleep and dream only about eating.
The Actor and Actress pull apart, sheepishly.
actor
That felt wonderful.
actress
Yes.
He prepares to go.
actor
Well. I have an offer uptown, to be watched while I hug someone’s kid and put on his deodorant.
He starts out.
actress
Maybe I’ll sense you again sometime.
actor
I hope so – I’ll be around.
He indicates the air. She nods.
marjorie
(into mike)
That’s enough! Or I’m asking for a refund!
Then, with more urgency –
actor
I’m afraid to go back into the dark. And when I come back, with whom will I work?
actress
I don’t know. It’s out of our hands. We’ll be left with the little that’s left of each other. We’ll have to love that.
He smiles at her, trying for bravery. Then, their fingers touching, he is gone. She looks after him.
alan
Well, Marjorie. Come home if you ever want to really experience anything again.
marjorie
(chuckles)
Don’t wait up.
Alan still doesn’t go.
marjorie
This counts. I’m paying for this.
alan
It’s hard to leave you when there’s so little left of you already.
He goes out. Beat. She looks after him, thoughtfully. She knows she should feel good – she tries – but she can’t. Then Marjorie turns back to the stage. She looks down at the Actress. Into the mike –
marjorie
I want to – I want to watch – I want to watch you being happy.
Actress stands there. She looks at where the actor went. She inhales, deeply. Then she tries to express the emotion that has been requested. She surprises herself with the trouble she has. She tries again, dutifully – maybe starts a smile as a jump start – and still struggles. She girds herself for another attempt. She is still trying, in good faith, to obey, to do her job . . . as the lights slowly fade.
Laurence Klavan received two Drama Desk nominations for the book and lyrics to “Bed and Sofa,” a musical produced by the Vineyard Theater in New York. His one-act, “The Summer Sublet,” is included in Best American Short Plays 2000–2001. “Simprov” was presented at Joe’s Pub in New York’s Public Theater in October of 2006. Erica Gould directed the following cast: Judith Hawking, Nadia Dajani, Josh Lucas, and Jim Bracchita.