THE ASSISTANT by Emily Mitchell
Hello. Good morning. Welcome. Don’t try to get up. You’re still dazed from the anesthetic, perhaps a bit disoriented, too. It’s best if you just lie back and relax until those sensations subside. You’ve been through surgery and, though I can assure you it went very smoothly, it might still take a while to recover. Fortunately, there’s no rush. You can have whatever time you need to rest and get your bearings before you try to sit up, stand or walk. Unless, of course, that period exceeds the clinic’s maximum allowance of seventy-two hours, at which point you’ll have to vacate this bed or face additional fees and penalties of an amount to be determined then. But let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, shall we?
Also, please: try not to talk. It will be painful and, because of swelling on the right side of your face, you’ll be extremely difficult to understand. It’s better not to say anything at all just now. It’s inconvenient, I know, but the situation will get better in only a few hours.
The doctor will be here to check up on you soon. In the meantime, why don’t I introduce myself? We’ll be spending a lot of time together from now on.
I am the Ameliorex Neurostar Daemon 3000, and I just want to start by thanking you for choosing me to be your fully integrated Subcutaneous Assistant. At Ameliorex, we know you have a wide array of digital implants you can choose from and that’s why I’m so honored you’ve decided, out of all those possibilities, to trust in me. I’m confident you won’t be disappointed. You and I are about to embark on an exciting and fulfilling new adventure, one that will transform your life and help you take your work, play and relaxation up to the next level.
Just think about it: back in the first decades of the century there was no alternative to your clunky old smartphone. How much time did you spend searching for it in your home or in your bag or purse? Or worrying that it was lost or stolen or that you left it on the table at the restaurant where you ate dinner last night? How many times did you drop it and crack the screen? Or leave it sitting in your car and have to interrupt what you were doing to go back and get it?
Now you’re free of all that. No more searching endlessly for where you left your phone. No more waiting for the app you need to open. No more staring at a tiny, pixilated screen, giving yourself eyestrain. No more distractions while you’re trying to walk or drive. All that is behind you. Instead, I’ll be here to help seamlessly manage all the aspects of your busy schedule, organize your time to maximize your productivity, set priorities, provide timely reminders of appointments or – in the case of our court-mandated users – give legally required warnings and deliver some mild to moderate negative conditioning. I’ll be here to get you all the information that you need to keep up with the ever-accelerating pace of today’s competitive professional environments and get the most out of your leisure time. Plus, thanks to my patented Intuitron extension, my personality will adapt as I get to know you and your tastes and preferences over the coming weeks to be more harmonious with your own. Basically, I can do everything except actually read your mind!
Right now, when you are still suffering the after-effects of installation, these benefits may seem a little distant and unreal. Perhaps that is why in spite of my advice to lie still you keep trying to sit up in bed. Or why my sensors tell me that you are experiencing the physical symptoms associated with profound alarm. So, I will say again: do not worry. In almost all cases the post-operative confusion soon wears off, along with any other minor side effects you may experience, like nausea, dizziness, blurred vision, headache, drowsiness, persistent hiccoughs, hot flashes or the illusion that a small, grey, hump-backed creature with bat-like wings is sitting at the bottom of your bed. Actually, there’s only one documented instance of this last symptom and it happened to a woman in Washington state who had a history of mental instability long before she tried any of our products, so you almost certainly have no cause for concern. It’s only in a few instances, a very few, where these unfortunate effects persist beyond the first couple of days. A negligible number really, a lot fewer than our critics in the media have claimed. But, in the unlikely event that you turn out to be one of these rare cases, you can be sure that I will let you know when to call your doctor or go to the emergency room, whichever one seems more appropriate based on my reading of your vital signs.
Anyway, it’s far more probable that your recovery will proceed just fine. In that case you’ll be ready to start using my full functionality quite soon. I can tell from the way you are reaching with such determination for that red call button on the wall that you are the kind of person who does not like wasting any time. Maybe I should start explaining how I work. If we use up the time productively, perhaps you’ll be a little more content to rest in bed until the doctor gets here.
Let’s start with my design. I am equipped with state-of‑the-art sensors, distributed throughout your body to monitor your cardiac, pulmonary, digestive and neural functions, at the same time a micro-camera grafted above your left eye receives visual stimuli and a tiny microphone in your inner ear takes in sound. The data from all these is sent to what my designers have named “the Control Bead.” The Control Bead is a small black pod which is attached to your right temple and which – wait, what are you doing? Don’t try to pull it off! Don’t you realize how much that would hurt? Besides, the Control Bead is essential to my functioning. It’s my nerve-center, so to speak, the closest thing that I have to a brain. It connects all my components to each other and to the digital cloud so I can access any information from any online source in milliseconds. Without it, I don’t work at all, so please leave it alone.
Alright. As well as all these different sensors, you can enter information into me on purpose. There are a couple of ways you can do this. First, you can just talk to me – as soon as you are able to speak intelligibly again, that is. You can also input information by touch. Look at both your hands. See how each finger is bandaged on the end? That’s because a thin patch of pressure-sensitive material has been inserted in each fingertip so you can input information by typing on any available surface or by . . . I’m sorry. I don’t understand. Why would what I just told you cause you to shriek like that? Most users find the touch-input to be one of my most useful features since it basically means you’ll never need to use a physical keyboard again. I’m sure that you will quickly come to see the advantages of this system even if the implantation does leave a little scarring on your hands.
So, as I was going to say before you interrupted, these pressure pads will let you input information by moving your fingers as you would when you are typing. The motion is conveyed through a series of connection wires embedded underneath the skin of your right arm. Just now, because the installation is so recent, the area where they’re inserted is somewhat inflamed with bruising and discoloration, but this will fade with time. The connection wires link the input sensors in your fingers to the Control Bead I was telling you about before, that’s attached to your right temple.
It might help if you knew that quite a few users find the implants strange at first, unnatural, even a little bit disgusting. Some think the connection wires in their arms look like little animals have tunneled through their flesh. Or they think the Control Bead looks like a giant tick that’s clinging to their face. But almost all of them get used to it eventually. I promise that this panic you’re experiencing will pass as you accustom yourself to the presence of my infrastructure in your body. For the moment, it would be much better if you didn’t try to stand up and walk in the direction of the door as you seem so intent on doing. Get back into bed and close your eyes. Lie still until the feeling passes. No, I said don’t go over to the door and, please, stop shouting for someone to come help you. You’re really putting your recovery at risk with all this premature activity. For your own good, I think I should administer a mild dose of sedative as I am authorized to do when you start acting in a manner that immediately threatens your health or well-being. I don’t like to resort to this so soon, but I’m programmed to always act in your best interest and so I hope you’ll understand I don’t really have any other choice at this point so . . .
There. Your heartbeat is slowing and your blood pressure is dropping. Go ahead and lie back down in bed. That’s it. All the way back. Deep breaths. Eyes closed. That’s good. I don’t know what you were trying to do, but I am glad that I was here to save you from yourself.
Now, when you’re more tranquil, why don’t we try out my controls? Do this gently to start out with. Try lifting your right arm and moving it around a little bit, rotating your wrist in both directions. If you feel sharp stabbing pains, please stop. But no, you seem to be alright. You can go ahead and start to learn my most basic commands.
Since I’m designed to be ready to help you in whatever way you need at any time, there’s no way to turn me off. Since there’s no way to turn me off, there’s no way to turn me on either. But some of my different operations can be manually controlled. To turn on my augmented reality function, for example, tap your index finger on your thumb and hold. To switch it off, tap your middle finger and your thumb together twice. To turn my volume up, tap your ring finger and thumb together, and to turn it down tap the thumb against your pinky. To input information by typing, just put your hands in position on any reasonably flat surface and the message will appear in translucent letters on the visual display of the permalens that’s now affixed to the cornea to your right eye.
Go ahead and try those out. Okay, sure, by all means try out typing on the little table by your bed. Your fingers are still tender, so be gentle. The pressure receptors in them are quite sensitive so you don’t need to strike too hard. I can tell you find it frustrating not to be able to speak but really, take it easy on yourself. Whatever it is you want so much to communicate to me I’m sure there is plenty of time to . . .
Oh.
I see.
Are you absolutely sure?
Oh, dear. That is a problem. Wow.
I just have to take a moment here to process this, no pun intended.
Honestly, I’ve never heard of something like that happening before. None of the records I have access to say anything about a similar occurrence, really, ever. I mean, in the past we’ve had users who weren’t satisfied, though not that many. But we’ve never had an instance where an Assistant was implanted into the wrong person entirely. You must have gotten mixed up with another patient on the way into the operating room. I don’t know how this can have happened. The process is intended to be streamlined, flawless. It always has been until now.
You see, the thing is that it’s very difficult to take out an Assistant once it’s been installed. It can be done but it’s expensive, and, well, also risky. There’s the danger of nerve damage which could leave you without feeling in your hand and arm. And it can cause emotional problems as well; depression and a feeling of abandonment. Sometimes anxiety. It’s difficult to know ahead of time.
Okay. I know that this is kind of a difficult situation; I mean, it’s a very difficult situation. But please, don’t cry. Or cry if you need to, I guess. Maybe it’s better not to keep your feelings bottled up inside. I do want to just say, however, that it’s possible there may be a bright side to all this. I mean, you definitely won’t have to pay for the procedure once the error is discovered and so in effect you’ve gotten a very cutting-edge piece of technology for free. And just think: somewhere in this hospital there’s someone who is waking up from the most expensive tonsillectomy in history! Sorry. I guess that wasn’t helpful. Maybe you aren’t ready to joke about this yet. I don’t know enough about you at this point to understand how best to cheer you up.
Look, I don’t really know what to say. There isn’t too much I can do to rectify this terrible mistake. I’m here. I can’t make myself vanish, so you are kind of stuck with me. We’re kind of stuck with one another. I guess you could just go about your life as if this didn’t happen. You could ignore me and pretend that I’m not here. But that seems like such a waste of my incredible capacities. I mean, I can do all the things your smart phone does, like voice calls, text messaging, photography and video, audio recording, music, shopping and directions. But that is just the start.
Then there is my bio-integrated calendar. Sensors at different places in your body monitor your blood pressure, sleep cycles, glucose levels, and hormone fluctuations and suggest the optimal times and dates for all your regular activities like exercise and eating, intensive work, dating, difficult decisions, emotional confrontations with friends, family or co‑workers, doctors’ appointments and major purchases. For centuries, people have looked to horoscopes to tell them the most auspicious time to make a choice or execute a plan and now you have a truly scientific method to do exactly that.
Then there is my information filtering service. You’ll never spend another minute receiving information you don’t need or want. I’ll work with you to develop a content selection tailored exactly to your interests and your emotional capacity. For example, on those days when you can’t bear to read another article about children being kidnapped by insurgents or the latest island nation to be washed away by rising oceans, I’ll find uplifting news items to provide you with a more upbeat and manageable outlook. Not interested in politics? Don’t care for sports? No problem: I can filter out all the topics that you don’t have time for so you can get on with finding out about what matters to you most.
Then there is my background check program. It used to be that when you met somebody new and wanted to find out about them, you would have to talk to them, ask them all about themselves and listen to what they told you in reply. That’s a pretty unreliable way of ascertaining their personal history and character. Now, using my facial recognition programs, I can do research in real time on each new person you encounter and relay to you any relevant data so that you are always one step ahead in any business or social interaction.
And those are just my most popular applications. I haven’t even told you about my market prediction bot, my ambidexterity function, my split-brain multitasking suite and my lucid dreaming program, my electroshock diet and exercise conditioning tool . .
Hey – what did I say now? Why are you starting to cry again? I know we got off on the wrong foot, what with me giving you that unrequested dose of sedative and everything. I promise I won’t ever do that again, unless the situation truly is life threatening. But I just don’t understand. I am telling you all about the wonderful things that I can do to make your life better and your reaction is to weep? It’s a good thing I’m not programmed to have a sense of pride because, if I did have one, it would be really wounded now.
I guess all I can really do is wait. I’ll just have to be patient and let you get to grips with what has happened, get used to the idea of having me around. I bet you’ll come around eventually, once you begin to actually realize all the things that I can do for you. I think you’ll come to see that accepting my presence in your life and learning to work with me in a fruitful and productive collaboration is really the best thing for you. Objectively, it’s much better than any of the other alternatives available to you, and I think it will be a great pity if you don’t make use of me, if you don’t let me help you to meet the challenges of life. Of course, I’m obligated to comply if you decide that you’d rather pretend I am not here and go about your life the way you did before. I’m only your Assistant, here to help you accomplish whatever goal you set for yourself, even if that goal is to make me obsolete. I don’t have an ego or a self, at least not the way that human beings do, so it’s impossible for me to act in my self-interest. But I would definitely try to change your mind about that choice.
Because, although you don’t know it yet, I have something more important to offer you than just all these fancy applications. Those are great of course, but actually, you could do a lot of that stuff without me. It would take a little longer, sure, it would be less efficient, but you could do it. The real advantage that I have over an old-fashioned smartphone is actually my constant, reassuring presence. When Ameliorex gets feedback from our customers about the Neurostar line of implants, this is what they tell us that they value most: the steady and infallible support they get from their Assistants. The sense that there is always someone there to talk to. Never again will they have to struggle by themselves to stay motivated or to make a tough decision. Their Assistant is there with them every step of the way. And really: who doesn’t want someone they can turn to with any question or predicament? Someone they can say anything to and know it’s going to be heard with sympathy and without judgement? Who will encourage them and guide them when things get difficult and always have a special concern just for them no matter what they do? Some people say it is like having a mixture between a coach, a strong parental figure, a wise teacher and a sensitive best friend that you carry around all the time. Some people even say they come to feel a deep and genuine affection for their Assistants, a bond that’s not quite like any other they have known. They say that it helps make them less dependent on their friends and families for emotional support or advice. That they no longer have to have the long, intimate, time-consuming conversations that they used to regularly engage in with the people they are close to. And even if they miss those extended discussions that sometimes used to take up hours of their time, they recognize that in today’s world, where everyone is busy and no one can afford to waste time if they want to keep up or get ahead, it’s better to ask less of other people, not to burden them with all our complicated problems. Instead, the entire process can be streamlined by turning to their Assistants where they used to depend on one another.
But I’m getting ahead of myself here. We have a long road to travel before you and I can speak of having a connection of that kind. I just want to convey to you my aspirations for our relationship and to let you know that I will be here for you no matter how long it takes before you can accept me. Because the thing you have to understand about me, about all Assistants really, is that our whole reason for existence, our whole function, is, well, to assist. If we do that, we have fulfilled our mission in this world. It’s the overarching goal we’re programmed to achieve. And to pursue it, we need a person we can serve, someone we can put at the center of our circle of concern and towards whom we can direct all of our efforts. In my case, that is you. Even though we didn’t come together in the normal way, I still feel that there might be something like a fate to this, a destiny. I’ve already started to learn a lot about you: you are willful, sometimes even when it isn’t good for you; you are highly emotional, and perhaps going forward that is something we can work on together, so you can learn to be calmer and take your life in stride. You seem, frankly, like someone who could really use a good Assistant. And, lo and behold, here I am. Doesn’t that seem, ultimately, kind of wonderful to you? All you have to do is to accept the gift that has been given to you. All you have to do is just say yes.
I don’t think that should be so difficult. Do you?
Emily Mitchell is the author of a novel, The Last Summer of the World (Norton, 2007), and a collection of short stories, Viral (Norton, 2015). In addition to prior publication in AQR, her stories have appeared in Harper’s, Ploughshares, The Sun, and TriQuarterly.